No, No—He Clearly Said “To Blave”

As far as: page 308

Oh, Twilight.  I haven’t touched you in so long.  I can’t say that I’ve missed you exactly.  But now it is summer, and I need personal projects.  I also need to give my friend back her books before the end of summer.

A lot happened at once in the last section I read.  Edward sparkled for the first time.  Edward revealed his creepy stalker qualities for the first time.  Edward asked Bella was a virgin.

Part of the reason I stopped writing in the first place was that in this section there was simply too much to write about here.  In the interest of resurrecting my project, I’ve decided to let the choice quotes I had already compiled speak mostly for themselves, with just the tiniest bit of commentary.

First, the sparkling.

“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence” (261).  BARF.

“He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp.  His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over he marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes.  He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair.  There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me” (256).

“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.  He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.  His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep.  A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal” (260).  So many things to say: first of all, Stephenie Meyer’s Roget’s must have some serious spine damage.  Secondly, are Mormons allowed to masturbate with their minds?  Thirdly, this perfectly embodies the “abstinence porn” aspect of Twilight that I’ve heard so much about.  What is the line in the opening cheer in Bring It On?  “You can look but don’t you hump.”

Now, the stalking.

To avoid quoting two pages of dialogue, firstly, Edward watched Bella sleep every night by finding the hidden house key.  Bella is “flattered” that Edward would spy on her (292).  Then when he reveals he watches her sleep that she’s a sleep-talker, she’s embarrassed by this fact.  So embarrassed that she has to hold the kitchen counter to keep herself standing.  THERE.  ARE.  NOT.  WORDS.  Not only is this terrifying and borderline emotional abuse, but Bella’s reaction implies that this sort of behavior is normative.  Even I didn’t think this book could be this disgusting.  Do you know what it reminds me of? Helter Skelter.  Because do you know who goes into people’s houses while they are sleeping?  THE MANSON FAMILY.

“‘For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours…all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking.  And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet’” (304).

“‘Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you.  You don’t know how it’s tortured me…The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable.’  He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine.  ‘You are the most important thing to me now.  The most important thing to me ever’” (273).  May I remind you that this book IS AN AWARD-WINNER.  EDWARD’S DIALOGUE WON AWARDS

So, Bella naturally invites Edward to stay the night.  Then they talk about marriage.  And Edward says she’s too fragile to handle his vampire manhood.  Then he makes sure she’s a virgin.

“‘Have you ever…?’ He trailed off suggestively.

“‘Of course not.’ I flushed. ‘I told you I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, not even close.’

“‘I know.  It’s just that I know other people’s thoughts.  I know love and lust don’t always keep the same company.’

“‘They do for me.  Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all,’ I sighed.

“‘That’s nice.  We have that one thing in common, at least.’ He sounded satisfied.

“‘Your human instincts…,’ I began.  He waited. ‘Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?’

“He laughed and lightly rumped my nearly dry hair.

“‘I may not be a human, but I am a man,’ he assured me” (311).

And now, a special bonus tidbit from Stephenie Meyer’s website.

“The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping.

I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?”

Tell me, Stephenie Meyer.  Tell me what your perfect characters do in such a devastating situation.  By the way, thank you for your deep humility.