A Short Post In Regards to Large Eyebrows

I’ve been neglecting my poor friend Stephenie, and I felt bad, so I headed over to my local video store (after deciding that when rentals are involved you can’t help but leave a paper trail) to pick up Catherine Hardwicke’s blockbuster sensation Twilight on DVD.  I actually had some credit to my account, so I managed to get the movie for free, which I took as a sign that I was not wasting my time/offering up my shame.  However, the DVD itself was so scratched it wouldn’t play until my partner-in-crime (crimes against the spirit, that is) gave it a good wash.  It was an absolute miracle, then, that we could watch it without any skips.  (We may or may not have also punched our DVD player a couple of times).

Wow, simply wow.  My P-i-C (let’s call her Caddy) knows at least a little about film, and commented on the terrible camera work and the washed-out colors.  I have to say, from a storytelling standpoint, the film was actually much more effective than the book.  I am ten pages past the halfway point in the book and Edward just now sparkled (more on that later).  What’s more, the beautiful thing about the silver screen is you actually have to show things happening instead of telling.  In other words, Bella fell down a lot–get this–on screen.  She didn’t just have a voiceover saying, “I’m clumsy.  I’m so clumsy.  Like, really guys.”  Other than that–it was pretty boring.  Not much of a plot.  A lot of Robert Pattinson and his big eyebrows.  I only watched it three days ago and I’ve kind of forgotten it, actually.  I remember laughing a lot.  Probably because everyone in that movie looks like they’re just on the verge of pooping themselves.  We also decided that Kristen Stewart’s Bella is a lot like Scarlett Johansson  but without the raspy voice.  In other words: totally soulless.  And talk about misuse of Radiohead during the end credits…In Rainbows will forever be tainted for me.

The only place I could find New Moon in town was at a late-night show in a sketchy area that I’d never been to.  Caddy and I ate dinner at a shitty burger joint, but finished eating in the car.  Let’s say the local color was a little…off.  But we made it alive to the movie theater, which surprisingly had an audience of three couples and one man…sitting alone.  Which could have been potentially scary.

But we made it out alive, for better or worse.  For better, Jacob Black’s new hair cut and washboard abs.  I remember particularly the CGI wolf explosion’s forgotten casualty, that black wife-beater.  For worse, occurrences like the CGI wolf explosion.  I really don’t think either film has developed the relationship between Bella and Edward AT ALL.  I mean, they’re working with pretty poor source material, but really.  He’s a total jerk to Bella and she just follows him around, ignores all her friends, then Edward says goodbye.  Then she wrangles a new friend, clearly taking advantage of Jacob’s feelings, then forgets about him at the drop of a hat.

Our consensus: the reason the super-fancy Italian vampires can’t affect Bella is that there is nothing to affect.  What does Tony Blair/David Frost say when he looks inside her: “I see nothing.”

Also–I think the actor who plays Jasper could use a stool softener.

In other news, can you say lack of exposition?  Why do vampires sparkle?  Why exactly is Victoria so pissed at Bella–just the whole James thing?  If you were the vampire counsel who killed other vampires for exposing vampire secrets, why would you stay in a Mediterranean climate?  Perhaps reading further will illuminate the answers to these burning questions.

In other news, I promise I will be back soon with longer insights about Sullen Cullen.