The Plot Coagulates

As far as: page 139.

Haven’t written in a while.  I’m sure both of my dedicated readers are immensely glad that I’m back on the scene.  In the meantime, I’ve been doing a little extra vampire research by watching The Lost Boys—a Joel Schumacher movie from the eighties that I would only think was a disaster if I hadn’t seen St. Elmo’s Fire beforehand.  The Lost Boys was like The Craft only with vampire boys instead of witch girls.  They had similar elements of unintentional comedy.  The Lost Boys was far funnier than The Craft.  I can imagine Good Ol’ Joel being like, “This is a great one-liner…it doesn’t make any sense?  Who cares!  Charge ahead!”  Also, if you manage to get your hands on the special edition DVD of The Lost Boys, you can see the special feature that has little teaching blurbs about vampires from around the world.  Some of these even appear in Twilight, as Bella Googles “vampire,” which implies that part of Stephenie Meyer’s research involved Haimster and Feldog.

Edward and Bella are becoming fast friends, after he chivalrously saves her from biology class.  Bella faints at the sight of blood—actually, the smell of blood, which Edward says she shouldn’t be able to smell.  But Bella is special.  She’s also special enough to make everyone at her high school hate her omgz.  Mike loves her, Jacob is obvs interested, she gets to eat lunch with Sullen Cullen, which must be the backwards, Forks, WA version of the Cool Kids Table (compared to God’s Paradise—I mean, Phoenix).  The beginning stages of their relationship up to page 140 feel like a ham-fisted dumbing-down of the vampire’s legendary erotic power.  And of course there’s the dream sequence, where Bella is pulled in three different directions by Mike, Jacob, and Edward.  Thanks, Stephenie Meyer, for unveiling Bella’s already completely obvious feelings by cramming them into a dream sequence, a totally original writing tool.

We’ve done my favorite part of the preview for the Twilight movie: “‘What if I’m not a superhero?  What if I’m the bad guy?’”  (92).  At which I almost LOL’d for realisies.  And had to change my panties because bad boys are so hotttttt.

Jacob Black has also come onto the scene by this point.  Jacob is from the Quileute tribe, which, as he tells Bella quite plainly, can turn into wolves, which are the SWORN ENEMY OF VAMPIRES OF COURSE/ Just like in Underworld.  And maybe Van Helsing?  I blocked out Van Helsing, I can’t remember (except for the exploding vampire babies). AND SHIT GUYS THE CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES BECAUSE ‘COLD ONES’ IS JUST A METAPHOR FOR ‘VAMPIRE.’  Oh, is it because they’re dead?  Maybe upon re-reading this nigh-impenetrable text I will finally piece together this complex metaphor.

Does anyone know what’s the deal with vampires being the enemy of werewolves?  Is it just convenient?  Couldn’t they form a symbiotic relationship dealio?  (Vampires drain, werewolves scavenge.)  Sharing is caring, y’all.

I have a hard time with Jacob’s story because while I don’t know the entire history of the Mormon church, let alone its specific relationship to Native Americans, I know that that relationship is not a very pretty one.  It wouldn’t be fair to define Stephenie Meyer only by her Mormon-ness (Mormon-osity?).  Also, I have to say, I was under the impression that during the Mountain Meadows Massacre the Mormons dressed up like the Paiute to blame them later, but it sounds like they at least worked together…but probably so the Mormons could try to blame the Paiute later.  But it’s always weird to me when a white person tries to write from a minority perspective, especially if that writing is pretty awful and employs the phrase “pale-faces.” But then again she didn’t fall too far into the “mystical minority” trap. I don’t know…it just seems…weird, still.

Okay, okay.  I’m not exactly being fair.  I promised I would try not to dump on Twilight and keep an open mind.  Better luck next time.

Thought-provoking passages:

“‘I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly…I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you’” (87).  What an egotistical jerk!  God…I feel like Anne Brontë.  It doesn’t help that I recently got a picture-text from a friend with a cover of Wuthering Heights that includes a sticker, which reads: “Bella and Edward’s favorite book.”  BARF.

“‘I don’t like double standards’” (90).  Uh, excuse me?  You don’t like double standards, Bella?  As in, Bella “Can’t Be Smarter Than a Boy” Swan?

“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative.  My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option” (139).  This may be the most poorly constructed paragraph I’ve ever seen in published fiction.  For context’s sake, Bella is gripped in a sudden agony of despair as she considers being forced to leave Edward alone.  They’ve interacted for like twenty consecutive minutes at this point—that is, they’ve had an interchange beyond just glaring.

“I was already in too deep.  Now that I knew – if – I knew, I could do nothing about my frightening secret.  Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.  Even if…but I couldn’t think it” (139).  HELLO?  Isn’t ANYBODY’S Dear-Abby-o-meter going off right now?


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